Virginia is for Laptops

Or so it was yesterday at the Richmond International Raceway, when a sale of of $50 laptops launched a full-fledged riot "with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over."

The computers were being offloaded by a Richmond school district and were four years old, but people were still pretty pumped and came hours early, peed on themselves to stay in line, threw elderly competitors to the ground, beat each other back with chairs, and tried to drive cars through the crowd.
Some shoppers were understandably traumitized but some of the more vicious clearly were satisfied with their prize and considered their actions rational. From CNN:

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,"' the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

Life Lessons from the News

If you sneak a bomb onto an airplane, be sure to have an Anglo-Saxon name so police don't think you're a terrorist or something.

This was the wisdom of Charles Alfred Dreyling, who attempted to board a plane in Oklahoma City with "an improvised explosive device" hidden in his suitcase. Luckily the FBI was pretty cool about the whole "oh yeah there's a homemade bomb in my suitcase" episode (standard, really) and quickly announced that they'd so far "found no apparent connection to any type of terrorist activity or group."
Oh good. Whew! Seems Dreyling was white and acting alone--don't see any reason why that should cause alarm in Oklahoma City...

If you're planning a funeral in Florida, FEMA will probably pay for it.

The trick is, you have to say the death was caused by one of the 2004 hurricanes. Then the U.S. taxpayers will give you a worthy final sendoff. If your death seems completely unrelated to the hurricanes, remember that hurricanes cause a lot of stress, which makes sick people deteriorate faster, smoke more, ride their motorcycle more recklessly, etc.

Just have fun with it. And if you're afraid you could never dream up a decent hurricane-related cause of death, consider some of the folks who've already nabbed a FEMA-funded funeral:

a Palm Beach Gardens millionaire recovering from heart surgery who died two days before Hurricane Frances; a Miami baby not yet born when the storm arrived; and a Port Charlotte man who died of cirrhosis and heart failure five months after Hurricane Charley.

If you're deciding whether to marry a goofy man or kidnap yourself, ask one simple question: would I rather be married to someone I don't like or mow lawns in a neon reflective vest?













"Runaway bride" Jennifer Wilbanks chose the latter, and seems just fine.

Stalling, Lies, Probes, and Tiny Dancers

The John Roberts nomination journey has been fairly quiet, but has seen a few interesting developments so far.

Today's Washington Post reports that the White House is planning to release Roberts' records from his time as counsel to the Reagan and Bush I administrations, but is currently stalling while aides furiously review the 50,000+ pages of documents before Democrats get a crack at them.

They seriously didn't already have someone do this? Everyone's known for years Bush would appoint a Supreme Court Justice and no one in the administration had the frontrunners full records investigated for politically hurtful material? Amazing.

While the Right stonewalls, some on the Left are getting a bit nasty. In the first downright ugly chapter of the con-firmation battle, NARAL has released a grossly manipulative ad suggesting that Roberts wrote a brief defending abortion clinic bombings. The ad, which UPenn's Annenberg FactCheck.org has already called downright false, juxtaposes pic-tures of Roberts and his brief with foot-age from a 1998 abortion clinic bombing in Birmingham, Alabama. A victim tells viewers she was almost killed that day and so "must speak out:" a narrator urges viewers to oppose Roberts because "America can't afford a Justice whose ideology leads him to excuse violence against other Americans." A few problems:

**The Roberts' brief was filed in 1991, 7 years before the 1998 Birmingham bombing the footage and victim testimonial strongly suggest he defended.
**Roberts' brief did not concern bombings at abortion clinics, but rather the practice of forming human blockades to prevent women from entering.
**Finally, while the brief argued that the law in question did not prohibit clinic-blockings, it stated that other pre-existing state laws did.

In sum, not only did Roberts not condone bombings at clinics, he didn't even condone aggressive civil disobedience. More should be expected from NARAL, who is either guilty of cheap politics or horrendous fact-checking.

The other issue drawing anger from the right is the charge that the NY Times has been pursuing the adoption records of Roberts two children, contacting numerous adoption lawyers to seek ways they might get their hands on the papers. The Times recently denied it was still pursuing the records after being blasted by the National Council for Adoption and Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, who called their actions "reprehensible."

The confirmation process is starting to grow testy, but the highlight so far has been its opening dance, sadly missed by a national TV audience.

While Roberts was unveiled to America in a formal and contrived prime-time press conference, his adopted son John got a serious case of Saturday Night Fever and unleashed a series of dance moves the likes of which the White House has never seen. Though little John's moves were off-camera they delighted the in-house crowd (though not his mother and sister, apparently) and photos of junior's move busting have met rave reviews in the blogosphere. I'm late, but how can I not join in the adoration.
John starts out with a solid, enthusiastic lawnmower... ...then steps toward the Commander-in-Chief to slow it down with the robot...
Then jumps out in his saddle shoes for an all-out throwdown. Dance, Johnnie, DANCE!!

I hope we can all agree on little John, if not his non-dancing Dad.

Hillary's Competition

Meet Jeanine Pirro, Westchester County District Attorney and 2006 challenger for Hillary Clinton's New York Senate seat. Though Pirro is not the first candidate to enter the race, she is the first to pose even a modest threat to the ultra-popular former first lady, widely considered the Democratic frontrunner for the 2008 Presidential candidacy.

Republicans had sought a tough contender to at least wound Clinton in the 2006 Senate race, and Pirro not only fits the bill but represents a female candidate strong, sharp, and sassy enough to out-Hillary Hillary.

The New York Times describes Pirro as "charismatic," "sharp-elbowed," and "well-financed." Cut in the Giuliani mold, she's a tough prosecuter and death penalty proponent, but has liberal stances on abortion and gay rights, even opposing a ban on "partial-birth" abortions. Her moderate/liberal social positions have the state Conservative Party unimpressed, but the Republican leadership thinks she'll play fine in New York and is more than willing to pitch a big tent to field a tough sexy woman willing to throw punches at Hillary. Yesterday Pirro stepped into the ring and did not tip-toe:

"Hillary Clinton is not running to serve the people of New York. We are just a way station in her run for the presidency. I think voters will choose the only woman who really wants the job. My full-time is a whole lot better than her part-time."

Pirro's one great liability is her husband, Albert J. Pirro, who spent 11 months in prison after a 2000 tax fraud conviction. But her team is unafraid, trusting that in a battle of dirty husband laundry, Bill's boxers would provide sufficient artillery.

Both sides see the 2006 Senate race as an important testing ground to see whether Hillary has Presidential mettle, and Pirro's challenge will surely provide Clinton a chance to prove she still has fight after her
recent metamorphosis to Martha Stewart clone.

The race promises to be quite an affair, with GOP strategist Roger Stone already predicting "the most expensive Senate race in U.S. history."

Stay tuned. This one should be interesting.

Jackson Jurors Convict Star (2 Months Too Late)

"They ought to be ashamed. They're the ones that let a pedophile go."

That's what Eleanor Cook, 79, had to say recently of the jury that acquitted Michael Jackson of child molestation charges. Many agree, but there's something a bit ironic about Ms. Cook's condemnation of the Jackson jury--she was a member.

18 years after Michael Jackson told the world he was "bad," his lawyers convinced Eleanor he was not, and on June 13th she and eleven others voted unanimously to acquit the king of pop. Two months later, however, she and fellow juror Ray Hultman, 62, now insist they are certain Jackson was guilty and that their fellow jurors are idiots.

All, perhaps, except Katharina Carls, who recently became the third juror to say she's sure Jackson was guilty. (Way to go people.)

Carls' explanation of her acquital vote is a helpful window into the logic (or lack thereof) of the post-O.J. California juror.

"I believe the boy and I believe Jackson is a child molester. But there was a one per cent chance the boy was lying. That's where reasonable doubt came in."

Moral of the story: If you're ever in California and sense that you're about to be raped or killed by a celebrity, do your best to have a witness present who's more than 99% believable. Otherwise you're really just out of luck.

French Family Values?

I thought it was an oxymoron too, but Paul Krugman, in an effort to knock workaholic Americans off their values high horse has written a column with that title (sans question mark).

His argument? The much ridiculed
35-hour French work week actually reflects a culture with a superior emphasis on family.

Hmmm...So how does the whole mistress thing fit in?
Or their recently revealed penchant for collecting dead babies?












I don't eat Freedom Fries, but count me a skeptic.

Terrorists Not Stupid (Just Their Actions)

Americans inaccurately imagine that all religious fundamentalists are emotionally volatile ignorants. In their immediate reaction to the attacks of 9/11, many emphathists pointed to the poverty ravaging Afghanistan as a contributing factor. Only weeks later did we learn that we'd actually been attacked by upper-middle-class Saudis. Interestingly, four years later many still accept the notion that we are threatened by men of simple means and simple minds who live in fitful envy of our great freedom and material wealth. This could not be further from the truth.

As David Brooks points out today in his Times column:

We know, thanks to a database gathered by Marc Sageman, formerly of the C.I.A., that about 75 percent of anti-Western terrorists come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. An amazing 65 percent have gone to college, and three-quarters have professional or semiprofessional jobs, particularly in engineering and science.

Most Americans would be shocked by those statistics, mostly because we've been fed a persistent caricature of terrorists as crazies in the mountains; Middle-Eastern hillbilly religious fanatics with access to crude bomb-making materials. This fallacy is counterproductive because it obscures the true ideological divide that exists--one much more sobering and substantive than we'd like to think.

Miracle Baby Born

Some may recall the inspiring story of Susan Torres, a young expectant mother whose cancer-plagued body suffered a stroke and lost consciousness, but continued to support the growth and development of her fetus. Three months ago Torres' husband Jason made the decision to keep his comatose wife alive in a race against the clock, hoping her body could produce a viable fetus before the cancer reached her womb. Happily, the effort ended in bittersweet success yesterday, when Susan Torres gave birth to a daughter by Caeserean section and then died.

Susan Anne Catherine Torres (1 pound, 13 ounces) remains in neonatal intensive care. Donations toward the Torres' lofty medical bills can be made here.

Rafael Palmeiro Makes Hall of Shame

Earlier this summer, during the big Congressional steroids hearing song and dance, the only player to emphatically deny using steroids was Rafael Palmeiro, who got himself all worked up, jabbed his finger forward, glared at the Congressmen, and angrily said he'd come "to make it very clear that I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." Perhaps at that moment we should have shot the raging Viagra spokesman with a tranquilizer and asked him why he added the word "intentionally." This week the unasked question was answered when it was revealed that Palmeiro failed a steroid test.

Now it appears Palmeiro is both a cheater and a liar. His defense--I didn't know I was taking it--is pathetic and calls to mind Barry Bonds, who thought his steroids were flaxseed oil, and Sammy Sosa, who "accidentally" picked up a corked bat and took it to the plate in a game.

The new motto in baseball: "Oh my goodness! I cheated? I had no idea!!"

I'm not buying it from Rafael Palmeiro, who brutally attacked the integrity of former teammate Jose Conseco when the big Surreal Life star asserted that Palmeiro had used steroids. Everyone took turns smearing Jose for his lack of integrity, and the most enthusiastic shots came from Palmeiro, guardian of fairplay and honesty.

My how the tables have turned.

Sadly for Rafael, there is no purple pill for a flacid Hall of Fame resume. And that's what he now has. Even with his gaudy 500 home runs and 3,000 hits.

Being the 7th-best first baseman for 16 years is all well and good, but it hardly makes you an All-Time Great. Raffy's Hall bid rests solely on his staggering career stats, and as Bill Simmons correctly noted in his recent ESPN the magazine column, career statistics mean very little in baseball these days--especially among steroid users (a group Raffy has now joined).

If the Hall of Fame has decided to welcome average players who inject hormones to become above average players able to play 20+ years that's their decision. But if Palmeiro, a Fred McGriff that enjoyed shorter fences, is a Hall of Fame baseball player then Cooperstown will be bursting with statues in 15 years. And that demeans the honor.

Sadly, some like Jayson Stark don't get it. But luckily Buster Olney does. And so does Tim Keown. And I can't believe I'm referring to his writing, but even Skip Bayless gets it. Hopefully voters will heed the call.

CNN Rapidly Becoming a Joke

I swear I can remember when CNN was a revered news source. The last 5 years, however, have seen a ratings slide that has catapulted the network in the direction of Entertainment Tonight. Perhaps it's the silly celebrity sagas carried as hard news. Perhaps it's the bimbo anchors on Headline News. Perhaps its covering the developments of American TV shows with greater interest than international events (don't you care more about the demise of an American Idol contestant than 20,000 people in the Sudan?). Whatever the case, CNN viewers are now swimming in a kiddy pool of content.

At this very moment, CNN.com has 8 headlines at the top of it's front page. Two of these, (1/4) are the following:

• Surprising death on 'Six Feet Under'

• Aniston: 'I love Brad; I really love him'

Yes, America. There was a surprising plot development on a fictional TV drama, and an actress cares for the actor she's divorcing.

It's not really that we don't care at all about these things, but CNN? Do they have any desire to still be taken seriously? In front of me sits a New York Times with front page articles on the deaths of leaders in Saudia Arabia and the Sudan. You won't find a mention on the front of CNN, though the incredibly sparse 'World' page has a story on Saudi King Fahd.

I don't think I'm using hyperbole when I suggest that CNN probably devotes as much air time to TV and Hollywood as they do to the entire Southern hemisphere of the globe. It's a sad state of affairs.

Bush Nominates Walrus; Goo Goo Ga Joob

The President has force-fed the United Nations his controversial pick for ambassador, John Bolton, who for 5 months had met consist-ent resistance on account of his offensive mustache and even more offensive way of relating to colleagues (particularly subord-inates and those who openly dis-agreed with him--the nerve!).

So he's not that charming or sexy. So co-workers describe him as a "kiss-up, kick down," "really creepy" guy. So he chases the occasional female colleague through a Moscow hotel room shouting and throwing files at her, and then bangs on the door and shoves papers through the mail slot when she flees to her room.

We need a tough guy at the U.N., say his backers.

And what informed observer of the U.N. hasn't wished someone would hurl a thick paper-filled folder at Kofi Annan? We need a man who will get results!

Bush, undeterred by the steady bipartisan stream of former associates who have come forward to describe his nominee as a first class jerk, nominated Bolton during the Congressional recess in order to bypass the Senate confirmation process (which, like the Geneva Convention and U.N. is also apparently losing its relevance). Let the reign of the Walrus begin!