Life Lessons from the News

If you sneak a bomb onto an airplane, be sure to have an Anglo-Saxon name so police don't think you're a terrorist or something.

This was the wisdom of Charles Alfred Dreyling, who attempted to board a plane in Oklahoma City with "an improvised explosive device" hidden in his suitcase. Luckily the FBI was pretty cool about the whole "oh yeah there's a homemade bomb in my suitcase" episode (standard, really) and quickly announced that they'd so far "found no apparent connection to any type of terrorist activity or group."
Oh good. Whew! Seems Dreyling was white and acting alone--don't see any reason why that should cause alarm in Oklahoma City...

If you're planning a funeral in Florida, FEMA will probably pay for it.

The trick is, you have to say the death was caused by one of the 2004 hurricanes. Then the U.S. taxpayers will give you a worthy final sendoff. If your death seems completely unrelated to the hurricanes, remember that hurricanes cause a lot of stress, which makes sick people deteriorate faster, smoke more, ride their motorcycle more recklessly, etc.

Just have fun with it. And if you're afraid you could never dream up a decent hurricane-related cause of death, consider some of the folks who've already nabbed a FEMA-funded funeral:

a Palm Beach Gardens millionaire recovering from heart surgery who died two days before Hurricane Frances; a Miami baby not yet born when the storm arrived; and a Port Charlotte man who died of cirrhosis and heart failure five months after Hurricane Charley.

If you're deciding whether to marry a goofy man or kidnap yourself, ask one simple question: would I rather be married to someone I don't like or mow lawns in a neon reflective vest?













"Runaway bride" Jennifer Wilbanks chose the latter, and seems just fine.