Menopausal Oregonion Dials 9-1-1 for Love

Noise complaints in Aloha, Oregon brought police to the home of Ms. Lorna Jeanne Dudash, 45. Ms. Dudash was apparently making a ruckus but failing to meet her deepest needs. When the (allegedly handsome) deputy left, Lorna Jeanne--whose name sounds like a cookie co. to me--decided to call 9-1-1 and summon him back. From the AP story:

"He's the cutest cop I've seen in a long time. I just want to know his name," Dudash told the dispatcher. "Heck, it doesn't come very often a good man comes to your doorstep."

After listening to some more, followed by a bit of silence, the dispatcher asked again why Dudash needed the deputy to return.

"Honey, I'm just going to be honest with you, OK? I just thought he was cute. I'm 45 years old, and I'd just like to meet him again, but I don't know how to go about doing that without calling 911," she said.

The deputy returned, verified that there was no emergency and arrested her for misusing the 911 system, an offense punishable by a fine of up to several thousand dollars and a year in jail...

Poor Lorna Jeanne. She just wanted a good man. I hope she appears before a "cutie pie" judge. (No statutory penalty for passing a note to a bailiff...)

Russian President Offers Feline Excuse for Pedophilic Kiss

It's a little shocking to see a grown man approach and talk to a small boy, and then seize the boy by the waist when his father tries to pull him away. It's even weirder to then see the grown man swiftly lift the boy's shirt and kiss his stomach.

And that is why the voting public in Russia hasn't quite gotten past Vladimir Putin's decision last week to steal a belly-kiss from a 5 year-old.

(See this bizarre incident on video.)

I'm not sure what would happen if a U.S. President was filmed doing this. I'm quite certain that the public affairs team wouldn't let him offer the kind of explanation Putin did today:

"He seemed to me very independent, sure of himself and at the same time defenseless so to speak, an innocent boy and a very nice little boy. I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act."

Oh ok, that makes sense. He was cute and defenseless, so you just had to touch him like a housepet... wait WHAT!?!? Is this ok? Is Russia comfortable being led by a man who wants to touch boys like kittens? I don't think anyone's accurately capturing how unfathomably weird this whole thing is!

Hasselhoff Severs Arm Tendon w/Chandelier While Shaving in London Gym Bathroom

I think the headline pretty much says it. But yes, this actually happened. Honestly, I think there are enough silly elements here to make 2 or 3 good stories, and yet they all came together here to really create something special.

Truthfully, any incident involving David Hasselhoff in a gym bathroom that becomes world news is spectacular.
And anytime a celebrity is hospitalized with a self-inflicted chandelier injury you have to stop and smile.

But here we get both. The chandelier-assaulted celebrity was Hasselhoff. Who was in the bathroom of a gym, almost certainly naked (that man enjoys covering his skin like sportswriters enjoy covering the WNBA). And, while shaving, he somehow drove his head into a chandelier with enough force to send shards of glass flying, severing a tendon in his arm. Wow.

USA Today just ran a story on how amazingly well things are going for Hasselhoff, but I'm not so sure. I mean just weeks before speeding to the hospital with a tourniquet on his arm and cream on his face he was caught bawling at the American Idol finale.

*the public relations assault that followed his girly Idol sobbing was as hilarious as the incident itself, and culminated with Hasselhoff's highly visible appearance the next night at a Dallas Mavericks game where he wore a manly black shirt w/3 buttons open, laughed off the Idol tears in a carefully planned courtside interview, and frequently pumped his fist (PR rep: no smiling, no clapping!)

I think it's clear that he's famous because people think it's so hilarious that he's still famous. Which keeps him famous. It's an interesting phenomenon. I don't think he's in on the joke though. (Neither, apparently, is the German public.)

But just to be sure we're all on the same page, it really is a joke. A joke of almost unimaginable proportions. (Indisputable Evidence HERE)

The Bosom Cancer Catch-22

Getting a mammogram raises your chances of getting breast cancer. Just doesn't seem fair, does it.

For men, it seems testicular self-examinations still only raise the likelihood of chafing. Or weird looks.

NBA Finals go FINAL: The Heat is On

Let me admit right out of the gate that I love Dwayne Wade. Perhaps there's a subconscious strain of self-love there since Wade is also a 24 year-old Illinois native with stunning facial features, but I think he is the most exciting player to watch on the planet (only Lebron compares) and has unbelievable grace and maturity off the court for someone his age. And I am *thrilled* that he has just led the Heat to their first NBA championship.

I'm also thrilled Shaquille O'Neal won a post-Kobe title to further solidify his triumph in that divorce. I love Shaq too. And the whole big brother-little brother thing he has going with Wade is downright adorable, and if you can't appreciate them as a duo then you simply can't appreciate duo's period, and probably would have just as soon detached Robin's sidecar f/Batman's motorcycle. And I think that's sad. But hey, live how you want to, ok? But I'm happy for the Diesel and Flash. I just hope the championship montages don't lead to a resurgence for Will Smith's Miami...

But back to Wade. Ever since his incredible, team-carrying performance to win game 5 Sunday night--which included a 21-25 night at the free throw line--it had been a non-stop whine-fest that swelled to a deafening chorus of 50 million sports fans and writers flinging their hands in the air and saying "Wade gets all the calls!!!"

The monotonuous outcry centered on a few main points:

* No one has gotten such generous/biased officiating since Michael Jordan
* Wade shot as many free throws in Game 5 (25) as the entire Dallas team
* The NBA wants Miami to win because they a) want a 7 game series, b) like teams with stars c) hate Mark Cuban, or d) all of the above.

Well I think they're all lame. The 7 game series theory makes some sense since millions of dollars are at stake there. But then the series just ended in 6 games. Oops.

There's a reason besides jersey sales and sexiness that lots of fouls are called for Dwayne Wade--he's really good. He attacks the basket relentlessly. He invites contact. He pump-fakes and then jumps into defenders.

These are all things players do occasionally and we're not surprised when fouls are called. Wade simply does them all the time. And why not? Have we not seen Kobe do the same things? And why shouldn't he? Should stars who are great at the free throw line settle for tightly guarded jumpers (See: Dirk Nowitzki) b/c it's considered cheap to drive the lane and take a foul? I think that's stupid. Drive to the hoop. If someone clubs you on the arm, or gets faked out and caught in the air, you take the contact and make 2 free throws.

And honestly, I'm sad to see Bill Simmons, my hero, fall back on the old number-of-free-throws-as-indicator-of-officiating-fairness trope. Because it's a dumb and simplistic argument that ignores the actual game taking place.

Anyone watching the Dallas-Miami series would agree that the teams play different offensive styles. Dirk shoots beautiful 20 foot jumpers off the dribble. Jason Terry shoots jumpers off the dribble. Stackhouse the same. Dallas shoots the ball over defenders.

Miami doesn't. Wade slashes to the basket. Shaq bangs into a guy and looks for an easy bucket. Whatever you want to say it's just not the same. This number of free throws comparison is apples and oranges. Wade frequently pump fakes and then jumps into a defender. People learn by middle school basketball that this earns you two free throws. Does this mean when the ball comes down on the other end and Dirk lofts a graceful college 3 over a shorter defender that we're supposed to blow the whistle and give him shots if he misses? Nonsense. Is it fair that one style of play earns you a lot more easy points? No. And that's exactly why it's smart to play Wade's style. Dirk's great when he goes to the basket (see end of Spurs series). He just never does. Maybe instead of obsessing about the officiating until smokes came out of his ears,* Avery Johnson should have told Dirk to go at the rim.

*anyone who saw the game 5 press conference knows the little guy was hanging on by a thread

There was one call very worthy of questioning, at the end of Game 5. Wade shot the game-winning free throws after a foul was called for nothing but incidental contact. That probably should have been a no-call. I can buy that. But that play--even if game-deciding--does not make a much larger argument true. I mean one play earlier Wade got a guy up in the air with a fake, tried to jump into him, but wasn't given the call. Don't you think if he really were getting slavish adoration from the referees at home that they'd have helped him out there, when he jumped into Harris but mostly missed him? Well they didn't. I think the referees are doing an ok job.

And for those still clutching their Kleenex because Wade shot a total of 25 free throws go back and look at the tape and tell me he shouldn't have shot at least 21. Get over it.

*update: The NY Times thinks this title is proof that Riley was right to toss last year's supporting cast and sign Payton and Walker. A glance at the box score reveals those two perennial "All-Stars" went a combined 1-13 on threes in the last game. I'm just saying...

Sasha Cohen Failed Our Country

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
I'm KIDDING. Mostly. But honestly, haven't these Olympics been tremendously miserable for the anticipated stars? Doesn't anyone want to be on a Wheaties box? Who would they use at this point--Bode Miller for his awesome commercials?

And speaking of commercials, how historically embarassing was the snowboarder chick's early celebration gold-to-silver fall? Lindsey Jacobellis is about to win gold and she inexplicably tries to bust a trick and ends up in the snow. It's too bad her coach wasn't there to tell her that her Visa check card got stolen so peace and calm could wash over her when she started getting a little too excited about the victory that never was. Hilarious.

That event, though, the snowboardcross, was super cool. It's almost like having skiers run the luge track--a bunch at a time. What a great idea. I bet whoever thought of it is brilliant and has an age that starts with a 2.

I have to comment on the pathetic Shani Davis-Chad Hedrick speedskating feud. The brooding inner-city wonder vs. the chiseled Texan. You'd think it'd be intriguing. Instead it was like watching two friends fight in the middle-school cafeteria and then listening to them both tell their side of the story for the next week.

I don't know if I'm taking Davis' side, but I'm not with Hedrick.

Ok, so Shani Davis is kind of self-focused and withdrawn and made individual success his sole concern. If you think that's terrible then criticize him. Even publicly if you think you need to. But then let's move on with our lives. When Davis and another U.S. skater both medalled Hedrick made it a point to only congratulate his other teammate? Then calls Davis childish for leaving a press event after saying he thought Hedrick disrespected him. Probably the most nauseating thing was when Hedrick was interviewed after getting third in the 1,500 meters and blamed his loss on the feud (mostly his creation in the first place), then proceeded to drone on and on and on about how he's a team-first guy, hangs out with the teammates, they'll all tell you I put the team first, blah blah blah.

You know what? Shani Davis is your teammate too. If you're so big on supporting the team how about you air your complaints once and then bury the hatchet and get the team focused. Or maybe even publicly congratulate him when he wins your country a medal.

Final thought: I may be crazy, but doesn't Irina Slutskaya sounds like the female lead in an Austin Powers movie?

O-V-E-R-R-E-A-C-T-I-O-N

Ok, I'll admit I'm a sucker for any high drama at a spelling bee. But when you get an eliminated child's mother threatening to appeal to the Supreme Court? Well, then you have something special.

Such is the case with the recent spelling bee controversy extraordinaire out of Reno, NV, where 14 year old Sara Beckman (picture right) was wrongfully eliminated from competition after correctly spelling the word "discernible." Sara and her parents brought evidence to the bee authorities after the competition, but they said it was too late to give her another chance.

Then mom flipped.

"I'm a momma bear with her bear claws out," Cindy Beckman said. "Spellers and academic children don't get all the accolades that the sports kids do. This is one of their few chances to shine, to get attention and look what happens... I'll take this to the U.S. Supreme Court. I will take this to the International Court of law to fight for my baby's rights."

While Mrs. Beckman's maternal tenacity must be admired (feared?), it's unlikely the International Court of law will be able to add a middle school spelling dispute to its docket. Nevertheless, I admit I don't totally understand the rationale of the bee keepers here.

According to Washoe County School District spokesman Steve Mulvenon:

"She (Sara) spelled the word correctly, that is not in question. The issue is that there is a way and a process to do a timely challenge, and nobody challenged it until after the fact. The analogy that I would give, in the NFL, if the coach is going to throw a challenge flag, they have got to do it before the next play begins. Once you go beyond that point, you can't go back."

This sounds good, but I don't think the spelling bee folks really want to enforce the rules this way. A kid is supposed to appeal their elimination before the next kid gets up and takes a word?? Do they know what the result of this will be once kids understand the stakes and the rules? Every aspiring spelling bee champ--already maladjusted, slightly unhinged, and adrift at the fringe of a society that does not appreciate his awkward intelligence and special word skills--now believes that if he's ever to appeal a ruling he must throw a fit in the 10 seconds that follow the buzzer that pierces his world with the horrifying ring of failure.

Kids are gonna freak out.

You don't think this will lead to spellers staying at the microphone and screaming through tears that they said the word right?

Listen to me spelling bee organizers: you don't wanna deal with these kids right after they go out. If I learned anything from watching Spellbound that was it. You have to coddle these dark little geniuses. They are maniacally driven and they are comfortable dealing with letters; people they struggle with. Just let them come up later and talk. Otherwise you've signed on for instantaneous confrontations with stressed out 13 year old loners hanging by a thread with their dreams dashed and nothing to lose.

I think it will be interesting to see how the Supreme Court rules on this.

A Rant Concerning the Not-So-Super Bowl

First, this was a phenomenally boring game. No game with a flee flicker touchdown pass and a long interception return could have been less exciting start to finish.

All week I heard about how Ben Roethlisberger was the next great NFL quarterback ("Good as Brady?" was an ESPN topic). He was lousy.

For two full weeks every sports media outlet forced me to marinate in heartwarming Jerome Bettis stories. He was inconsequential. And didn't deflect enough praise after the game. I kept waiting for him to say something to the effect of "It's great to finally win a Super Bowl, and to do it here at home in Detroit--but this game isn't just about me..." Instead the post-game interchanges went more like this:

Fawning Reporter: Jerome, you're the most amazing guy EVER!
Bettis: Yeah, yeah; I know what you mean. And I'll tell you--it's great man.

Secondly, BAD halftime show. In the post-Janet's breast era we've now seen Super Bowl halftime shows performed by Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. Next year the league said it is willing to consider bands that are from America or peaked after the mid 1960's--but don't expect both.

Does anyone else remember when the halftime show was a bigger than life event? I mean it was never a good musical performance, but I remember one recent year where they had N'Sync, then Aerosmith, then Britney Spears, and then Nelly--all one act, one stage! Now we get a bland 3-song set from a single band fronted by a 60 year-old with a bare midriff?

Thumbs down.

(the bottom of this article lists each year's Super Bowl halftime act--my two favorites:
XXV - Jan. 27, 1991 - New Kids on the Block
XXVII - Jan. 31, 1993 - Michael Jackson and 3,500 local children)

Third, and most important, the referees were TERRIBLE. I mean awful. I've never seen worse in an important football game. Just unbelievable.

Pittsburgh's Joey Porter made waves when he accused the officials of cheating for the Colts because the league wanted Peyton Manning to win. Well if the league was originally pulling for Peyton, lord almighty did they throw their support to Jerome Bettis. I think reporters wrote their post-game piece about his feel-good sendoff win days before the game and just started partying in Detroit.

Perhaps it's just coincidence but there were 4 or 5 game turning calls and all went against the Seahawks and all were either blatantly or probably wrong. Briefly:

1. Darrel Jackson scored the game's first touchdown, but the play was called back for a phantom pushoff. If you've played football and you're not from Pittsburgh you know that was a normal play. Much more physical pushes happen every other down between receivers and DBs. A joke of a call, and the Seahawks had to settle for a field goal. That put them up 3-0.

2. Ben Roethlisberger got to the goal line on a pivotal 3rd down play near Seattle's goal. The linesman initially called the play down at the 2 inch mark--he then was overruled and changed his mind. Touchdown. Replays did not show the ball crossing the line, but neither did they show clear evidence that it did not. Touchdown stands; scraggly pre-anointed golden boy raises his arms on the sideline. 7-3 Pittsburgh.

(I'm willing to buy this one only b/c the call on the field creates a presumption and it was not completely clear they were wrong--though the probably were, and the game should have gone to 3-3. )

3. The Seahawks throw a beautiful pass down to the Pittsburgh 1-yard line to complete a great rally and setup the touchdown that will give them a 17-14 lead... But wait! What's this? The officials call holding. Replay will later show...nothing of the sort. Just normal blocking. Maybe they got the wrong guy?

I played offensive line for 5 years and got called for holding plenty of times--that was not holding. I'd venture to say that if you focus on the offensive tackles on any NFL play you'll probably see something much closer to holding than what you'll see in that absurd call that killed Seattle. The blocking there was more legal than average for an NFL play. No matter to Team Bettis in the stripes. Touchdown averted. A sack and a missed field goal later the Hawks have NOTHING. Pittsburgh still up 14-10.

4. Matt Hasselback throws an interception and makes a shockingly decent tackle on the ball carrier. What happens next defies the bad officiating imagination--this one requires creativity.

The officials decide to call a 15-yard penalty on Hasselback for an illegal block on the guy standing next to the guy he tackled. Two problems. 1) It was a tackle, not a block. 2) He never touched the guy he illegally "blocked." Beyond weird.

15 yard closer to the endzone the Steelers quickly drove the nail into the coffin with a nifty reverse pass for a touchdown. Pittsburgh 21 - Seattle 10. That's your final, folks.

Seattle whined a bit in the aftermath of this game, but you know what? They should have. They deserved much better in a game that will determine their legacies in their chosen profession. That game should have been a Seattle win or gone down to the wire. Instead we got the sleepy Bettis fest.

Count me unenthused.

MAXIM Super Sleazy

Here's the back story on this ridiculous letter sent in advance to the female guests of this year's Maxim Super Bowl party. A friend of mine, like most men, wanted to attend badly. His friend's girlfriend, a 2005 "hometown hottie," was on the list. He begged her to take him. Alas, she could not take him (or any man). In explanation she forwarded Maxim's directions.

I think it's actually charming how these guys understand and embrace the utter shallowness of their undertaking. The letter is funny--the FAQ's are priceless. You read it here first.

----------Forwarded message ----------
"MAXIM ROCK CITY"

Congratulations, you are receiving this email as personal confirmation of your invitation to the exclusive Maxim pre-Game celebrity party. Please read this entire email (especially the FAQs at the bottom.)

The party starts at 9pm, Saturday, February 4th, 2006.

In order to check-in you must arrive at the check-in point at Orchestra Place (3663 Woodward Ave, Detroit, MI 48201) You will need a valid 21+ ID. Once checked in you will be escorted to the party nearby.

Our Maxim Superbowl event is one of the most anticipated events of the year and is very exclusive with only the most notable actors, musicians, professional athletes, models, and industry executives in attendance.

You were personally selected to be invited to this event, and we expect you to arrive looking impressive and ready to party!

You must arrive by 9:30pm for check-in, traffic will be challenging so plan accordingly. Parking is available in the parking structure behind the checkin area.

This particular list is for women only. If you would like to recommend another HOT Girlfriend, please have them submit a recent picture and their full name to detroit@igetin.com. Please do not attempt to bring any male accompaniment, they will not be admitted under any circumstance. We have a zero tolerance policy.

Our theme this year is a Maxim Rock Opera (so come dressed as that hot, dirty rocker chick) with amazing drinks and insane entertainment. Of course, as with all Maxim events, everything is complimentary for guests.

regards,
Noah Flom & "Breakfast"
talent & special events
Maxim Magazine
detroit@igetin.com< mailto:mailto:) www.igetin.com

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

Q. Can Guys (boyfriend, husband, etc) come?

A. No, this is a very exclusive party - so leave 'em at home and come enjoya crazy night with the celebs and over-the-top Maxim madness. Unless you're banging Justin Timberlake or Pharell (but I think they're already on the list)

Q. What should I wear?

A. This is one of the hottest parties you will ever go to, and only you'regetting in because you're a hot chick. So take the opportunity to be bold, aggressive, alluring, and downright sexy. Your job is to make Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton and Jessica Alba look bad...don't f%$k it up!

Q. Should I eat before I come to the party?

A. Maybe - it depends on what you're wearing. We won't be serving food, socome ready for cocktails and other goodies, but don't come starving for dinner, unless that's the only way you're going to look good in that mini-skirt or liquid latex outfit you have planned...then by all means, fashion is a bitch.

Q. Can I bring my really hot girlfriend that didn't RSVP?

A. Yes, if she is really Maxim Hot and has a 21+ ID. Be honest with yourself and us, because if she's not hot enough for us she won't get in, then you will be faced with that unfortunate choice of leaving her in the cold while you party like a rockstar with the likes of Josh Duhamel, Jaz-Z, Jessica Alba, Tom Brady...

Q. I don't really look like the photo that I sent in, will that be a problem when I check-in?

A. Yes, even though you RSVPed and we added you to our exclusive list, we still retain the absolute right to refuse entrance to anyone we want. That means your girlfriend that is the "designated driver," the one that "offends spandex", the one that makes you look hotter or thinner, the one that only gets into hot clubs because she is with you, the one that buys cocktails out of circumstance, not out of choice...we are NOT going to let her in; sorry, this week we are shallow guys who only care about looks; this is our job and we like the money and the perks; don't embarrass them or us.

Supreme Court Crumbling

Many of my left-leaning friends think the Supreme Court is falling apart.
It seems, in a literal sense, they're right. Today the very edifice of our nation's judiciary began to fall.