Hasselhoff Severs Arm Tendon w/Chandelier While Shaving in London Gym Bathroom

I think the headline pretty much says it. But yes, this actually happened. Honestly, I think there are enough silly elements here to make 2 or 3 good stories, and yet they all came together here to really create something special.

Truthfully, any incident involving David Hasselhoff in a gym bathroom that becomes world news is spectacular.
And anytime a celebrity is hospitalized with a self-inflicted chandelier injury you have to stop and smile.

But here we get both. The chandelier-assaulted celebrity was Hasselhoff. Who was in the bathroom of a gym, almost certainly naked (that man enjoys covering his skin like sportswriters enjoy covering the WNBA). And, while shaving, he somehow drove his head into a chandelier with enough force to send shards of glass flying, severing a tendon in his arm. Wow.

USA Today just ran a story on how amazingly well things are going for Hasselhoff, but I'm not so sure. I mean just weeks before speeding to the hospital with a tourniquet on his arm and cream on his face he was caught bawling at the American Idol finale.

*the public relations assault that followed his girly Idol sobbing was as hilarious as the incident itself, and culminated with Hasselhoff's highly visible appearance the next night at a Dallas Mavericks game where he wore a manly black shirt w/3 buttons open, laughed off the Idol tears in a carefully planned courtside interview, and frequently pumped his fist (PR rep: no smiling, no clapping!)

I think it's clear that he's famous because people think it's so hilarious that he's still famous. Which keeps him famous. It's an interesting phenomenon. I don't think he's in on the joke though. (Neither, apparently, is the German public.)

But just to be sure we're all on the same page, it really is a joke. A joke of almost unimaginable proportions. (Indisputable Evidence HERE)

The Bosom Cancer Catch-22

Getting a mammogram raises your chances of getting breast cancer. Just doesn't seem fair, does it.

For men, it seems testicular self-examinations still only raise the likelihood of chafing. Or weird looks.

NBA Finals go FINAL: The Heat is On

Let me admit right out of the gate that I love Dwayne Wade. Perhaps there's a subconscious strain of self-love there since Wade is also a 24 year-old Illinois native with stunning facial features, but I think he is the most exciting player to watch on the planet (only Lebron compares) and has unbelievable grace and maturity off the court for someone his age. And I am *thrilled* that he has just led the Heat to their first NBA championship.

I'm also thrilled Shaquille O'Neal won a post-Kobe title to further solidify his triumph in that divorce. I love Shaq too. And the whole big brother-little brother thing he has going with Wade is downright adorable, and if you can't appreciate them as a duo then you simply can't appreciate duo's period, and probably would have just as soon detached Robin's sidecar f/Batman's motorcycle. And I think that's sad. But hey, live how you want to, ok? But I'm happy for the Diesel and Flash. I just hope the championship montages don't lead to a resurgence for Will Smith's Miami...

But back to Wade. Ever since his incredible, team-carrying performance to win game 5 Sunday night--which included a 21-25 night at the free throw line--it had been a non-stop whine-fest that swelled to a deafening chorus of 50 million sports fans and writers flinging their hands in the air and saying "Wade gets all the calls!!!"

The monotonuous outcry centered on a few main points:

* No one has gotten such generous/biased officiating since Michael Jordan
* Wade shot as many free throws in Game 5 (25) as the entire Dallas team
* The NBA wants Miami to win because they a) want a 7 game series, b) like teams with stars c) hate Mark Cuban, or d) all of the above.

Well I think they're all lame. The 7 game series theory makes some sense since millions of dollars are at stake there. But then the series just ended in 6 games. Oops.

There's a reason besides jersey sales and sexiness that lots of fouls are called for Dwayne Wade--he's really good. He attacks the basket relentlessly. He invites contact. He pump-fakes and then jumps into defenders.

These are all things players do occasionally and we're not surprised when fouls are called. Wade simply does them all the time. And why not? Have we not seen Kobe do the same things? And why shouldn't he? Should stars who are great at the free throw line settle for tightly guarded jumpers (See: Dirk Nowitzki) b/c it's considered cheap to drive the lane and take a foul? I think that's stupid. Drive to the hoop. If someone clubs you on the arm, or gets faked out and caught in the air, you take the contact and make 2 free throws.

And honestly, I'm sad to see Bill Simmons, my hero, fall back on the old number-of-free-throws-as-indicator-of-officiating-fairness trope. Because it's a dumb and simplistic argument that ignores the actual game taking place.

Anyone watching the Dallas-Miami series would agree that the teams play different offensive styles. Dirk shoots beautiful 20 foot jumpers off the dribble. Jason Terry shoots jumpers off the dribble. Stackhouse the same. Dallas shoots the ball over defenders.

Miami doesn't. Wade slashes to the basket. Shaq bangs into a guy and looks for an easy bucket. Whatever you want to say it's just not the same. This number of free throws comparison is apples and oranges. Wade frequently pump fakes and then jumps into a defender. People learn by middle school basketball that this earns you two free throws. Does this mean when the ball comes down on the other end and Dirk lofts a graceful college 3 over a shorter defender that we're supposed to blow the whistle and give him shots if he misses? Nonsense. Is it fair that one style of play earns you a lot more easy points? No. And that's exactly why it's smart to play Wade's style. Dirk's great when he goes to the basket (see end of Spurs series). He just never does. Maybe instead of obsessing about the officiating until smokes came out of his ears,* Avery Johnson should have told Dirk to go at the rim.

*anyone who saw the game 5 press conference knows the little guy was hanging on by a thread

There was one call very worthy of questioning, at the end of Game 5. Wade shot the game-winning free throws after a foul was called for nothing but incidental contact. That probably should have been a no-call. I can buy that. But that play--even if game-deciding--does not make a much larger argument true. I mean one play earlier Wade got a guy up in the air with a fake, tried to jump into him, but wasn't given the call. Don't you think if he really were getting slavish adoration from the referees at home that they'd have helped him out there, when he jumped into Harris but mostly missed him? Well they didn't. I think the referees are doing an ok job.

And for those still clutching their Kleenex because Wade shot a total of 25 free throws go back and look at the tape and tell me he shouldn't have shot at least 21. Get over it.

*update: The NY Times thinks this title is proof that Riley was right to toss last year's supporting cast and sign Payton and Walker. A glance at the box score reveals those two perennial "All-Stars" went a combined 1-13 on threes in the last game. I'm just saying...