Supreme Hearing for Gold-digger

Interestingly, while the rest of the world has grown tired of listening to and considering Anna Nicole Smith, the Supreme Court is ready to give it a shot. The former Playboy Playmate, who marr-ied 89 year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II a year before his 1995 death, initially was awarded $474 million of his estate, which was subsequently reduced to $89 million, and finally by the 9th Circuit Federal court to $0 million.

That's right, she married the almost dead guy that frequented the Texas club where she "danced" and didn't get a dime of the inherit-ance (this despite singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the funeral--seriously, I think you can find the video somewhere). It seems unjust really. And as it turns out...

The Supreme Court--always happy to straighten out that crazy 9th Circuit in San Francisco--has graciously offered Ms. Smith nine shoulders to cry on.

The question to be debated is a technical matter of jurisdiction, but don't think for one moment that the sometimes-plus-size sometimes-actress won't find a way to make some part of the proceedings ridiculous. Mark your calendar and stay tuned.

Clintons Promoted in Network TV, Chinese Beds

Hillary Clinton's '08 Presidential campaign gets an early start tonight when ABC launches its new drama "Commander in Chief," starring Geena Davis as our first female President. Davis' character (apparently crafted by the Glover Park Group) will not just vaguely support the notion of a lady POTUS, but will meet many specific objectives of the Clinton '08 team.

Can America embrace a female Commander in Chief?
This show has titled itself after that Presidential role, and here's a hint: Davis doesn't fall on her face in her efforts to fulfill it. In fact she's thoughtful but steely--just what we need. Concern averted. Check.

Can the public now accept and embrace Hillary as a moderate?
Davis' character is unaffiliated (because of course a modern VP could acquire the position without choosing whether she's a Democrat or Republican). Davis' proto-Hillary is in fact so non-far left she's actually VP to a Republican President.

Can Hillary escape the caricature of being an unfeminine woman with raving (i.e. man-like) power lust?
The clever plot development here is that Davis is ready to step aside and not assume the presidency until the Republican meanies start acting sexist and bring up menopause (seriously)--then she feels she has to do it. Nice!

The strong, moderate, reluctant leader. Hillary, we are ready.

Critics don't seem ready for the show itself, though. I skimmed 7 or 8 reviews and apparently only the Chicago Tribune likes it.

MEANWHILE, on the other side of the globe...
Husband Bill is acquiring some unwanted fame in China, as the "Clinton" is now poised to become a leading brand of condom.

The creator of the condoms, clearly an admirer of our last President, assured reporters that "the Clinton condom will be the top of our line." Adding that he's sure the condom's namesake would not "be unhappy about this because he's a very generous man."

The company is also introducing a "Lewinsky" condom, which (perhaps fittingly) represents the cheaper alternative.

Read NY Times Opinions For Free

Starting this week it costs $50 a year to read the nation's elite stable of newspaper columnists. If you love the NY Times gang but can't handle the new price tag, read them here for free.

Onion Article Proves Prophetic

Last year the Onion wrote a laugh-out-loud satire announcing Gillette's intention to out-do the Schick Quattro (a 4-bladed razor that one-upped their Mach 3) by producing a 5-bladed razor. Read it, it's hilarious.

And it's even funner today, as Gillette has just unveiled the very product put forth as a joke last year. I love it.

Danish Taxes Used for Hookers

No, it's not a scandal. It's public policy. Under the new 'Sex, irrespective of disability' initiative, the Danish government is hiring prostitutes to have sex once a month with disabled citizens.

I guess this is just one more example of how far out ahead of us the Europeans are when it comes to moral sensibilities. I mean we're still shucking off those Puritan roots while those kind-hearted Danes are taxing their citizens to buy sex for the handicapped. When will we stop being so close-minded and tight-fisted?

Actually the policy has many vehement critics at home, but its advocates are standing firm.

Stig Langvad of the country's Disabled Association said the politicians critical of the plan are showing "double standards".

He said: "The disabled must have the same possibilities as other people. Politicians can debate whether prostitution should be allowed in general, instead of preventing only the disabled from having access to it."

GREAT argument. I mean really when you think about it, if there's a group of people not having much sex and you don't use public funding to buy them prostitutes--that's pretty much outright discrimination. It's too bad Martin Luther King was taken away from us, cause I feel like he would have really gotten behind this one.

Foster Kids Uncaged

MATT DILLON: I guess you could call me an architect--it's just a job really, a way to keep me moving. My real passion is my hobby.
CAMERON DIAZ: What's that?
I work with retards.
I beg your pardon?
You know...(flaps lips with fingers) the guys who ride the short bus.
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.
No, I mean
--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out of his cage once and--
--He's in a cage?!

--There's Something About Mary

See, the humor there is anyone who knew something about the mentally handicapped would never think of keeping retarded children in cages. Apparently, however, one Ohio family didn't find the idea so preposterous.

The Boston Globe reports that 11 children were recently removed from an adoptive family in Wakeman, OH (pop. 1,000) that was keeping 8 of them in cages. Michael Gravelle, 56, and Sharen Gravelle, 57, told police that the children, some with mental disorders, "needed to be protected from each other," and that a psychiatrist had told them it was a good idea.

A doctor consulted in August by county officials had a different take: "I said, 'No, I couldn't imagine any situation in which children should be kept in cages,' said Gregory Keck, director of the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio."

At night, authorities say, eight of the children were confined in 3 1/2-foot-tall wooden cages stacked in bedrooms on the second floor. The cages were painted in bright, primary colors, with some rigged with alarms that would send a signal to the downstairs when a cage door was opened..."The sheriff and I stood there for a few minutes and just kind of stared at what we were seeing. We were speechless," [county sheriff's Lt. Randy] Sommers said.

The residents of Wakemen apparently thought the caged youngsters seemed well enough--"Those kids were dressed better than some of the kids who live in Cleveland"-- and never saw good reason to be concerned.

Said neighbor Leah Hunter: "They looked OK. They hardly ever wore shoes but I'm a country girl and for me that's normal."

Fair enough.

Oh yeah, the blog

I apologize to my vast and enthusiastic readership for my recent haitus from posting. I haven't mainly for two reasons. 1) In the past couple weeks I moved from Washington to Illinois and then to Ann Arbor to start law school and have been very preoccupied. 2) Katrina has (rightfully) dominated the news in the past week and simply isn't the kind of event I can comment on with two paragraphs of cynical/witty observation. Likewise, it seems out-of-place to make fun of Christina Aguilerra or something, while such harrowing devastation is taking place. I'm honestly not sure what to say.

But I will say this. In my second day working at Homeland Security I was asked to take minutes at a meeting of federal officials. I think it had to do with transportation security. Anyway, one immediate impression I came away with was that FEMA is poorly run. This based only on the gentleman they sent for this meeting. But over the next several months that impression was solidified more than it was called into question. FEMA has done a great job in the aftermath of some disasters, but honestly if a hurricane just leaves one big trail of ripped up houses and you get to ride into town with millions upon millions of dollars in federal money and start handing out goodies, it's pretty hard not to be a hero, and hard not to be a well-received overwhelming success. For all its devastation, jobs like the Hurrican Andrew clean-up--as far as the Federal Agency was concerned--was fairly simple. Ride up to people, hand out food/medicine, have them send grant applications to Washington, and then send big checks. Katrina required a response that was aggressive, resourceful, creative, and brave, and judging from the (admittedly limited) vantage point of the casual media observer it appears to have been none of these things.

That really is a shame. It's sad to see the public Katrina talk starting to get nasty, but it's pretty easy to understand the incredible frustration that is being felt, and how readily that frustation could turn to anger over the course of a few days. The greatest tragedy is this: Katrina--awful in every other way--presented a perfect opportunity for a bitterly divided country to rally together. It should have eased partisan tensions in Washington and in the media as leaders came together to help victims and the grim but inspiring tale was told to the American people. It should have brought together white and black citizens of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama as a diverse people found themselves standing together with nothing, seeking solace and help from one another as they faced the loss and tried to move forward together.

As the Mother Hips sang "what good thing do bad things do? Pull us all together." Unfortunately this disaster and its aftermath are now spawning a bitter divisiveness. I'm not pointing the finger at the complainers. The angry protestations of New Orleans' mayor, black legislators, Maureen Dowd, and maybe even Kanye West are well grounded and legitimate. It's easy to become outraged. But it's a shame that what could have contained the silver lining of closing the racial and partisan chasms that exist in America has instead widened them further.