Crushed By The (Wedding) Bells

If you are a male aged 20-28 years and were conscious during the Saved By the Bell years, you will no doubt be crestfallen to learn that Kelly Kapowski (AKA Tiffani Thiessen) has gone and married some guy. Though there are surely other perky and wholesome volleyball players with wide smiles and t-shirts fallen-off-the-shoulder no one can touch the original and best.

And who exactly is actor Brady Smith, 33? I have no idea, but I'm sure of two things:
1) I'm not him, and
2) He will not enjoy this tremendous feat one little bit because each morning he is doomed to wake up and fall pitifully short of Zack Morris in all he says and does.

I choose not to envy you, actor Brady Smith, 33, because you will every day be measured against the ghost of Zack Morris until your married days expire in death or divorce. Let this pride-withering realization haunt you in sleepless nights of self-doubt and fantasies unfulfilled. And know that it is not really Kelly Kapowski you're sleeping next to, but some hollow actress that never would have been kind to Screech or passed up her prom to save her poor father money. And she probably doesn't smile in real life and can't play volleyball at all. And she won't dance and lip sync "I'm So Excited" for you. Not even on your Anniversary.

You will not enjoy this actor Brady Smith, 33!
(I hate you.)